confession

A little over 2 years ago I spoke at a woman’s group at my mother-in-law’s church.  The topic:  my husband and I’s full time mission work in Ukraine.  At the time, we were still preparing our big move to Ukraine and I was making rounds at different churches and groups, sharing our vision, and soliciting supporters.  The group of women blessed me greatly and rallied around with open hearts and fervent prayers.

Today, I returned to the same group of women to do a book review/reading.  About 10 months ago,  when I was asked to do the book review, I hesitated…I did not want to face these women.  Shame, feelings of failure, and embarrassment still plagued me, even though I’d already been home  from Ukraine for about a year.  However, it was those same lowly feelings that urged me to say “yes”…i guess i thought that by agreeing to do the speech, I wouldn’t be disappointing them again.

I would love to say that I’m completely at peace about returning from Ukraine; that I’ve found the reason we’ve returned or discovered the purpose that we ever went in the first place.  I would LOVE to say that…and sometimes I do.  I’ve rationalized it to the point that I actually believe that I understand the divine purposes in our going and returning.  I KNOW all the Bible verses about purpose and trusting God.  And I thought that those verses moved from my head to my heart….but today, when asked (in front of the entire group), “Didn’t you go to Ukraine?” My stomach dropped and I had to hold in tears.

I responded with a simple “yes” and a polite smile.  But inside I was screaming, “PLEASE, NO MORE QUESTIONS!”

I’m tired of talking about it.  I’m tired of having to try and explain the situation, especially when I don’t fully understand it myself.  I’m still ashamed.  I’m still embarrassed.  I’m still deeply hurt. I still don’t understand.

But, because I do know the scriptures and have faith that God follows through on his promises, I hold on to them…no, I don’t hold onto them; I CLING to them like a scared child clings to his mother.  I know God has a purpose in my life – & that purpose is to SERVE HIM no matter where I live or what I’m doing as a career. I know everything’s going to be okay…in fact, my life is abundant with blessings.

But I’m still hurting.

My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?

~Psalm 6:3

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cindee and Dow
    Apr 09, 2010 @ 03:46:49

    Lindsey
    We love you!!!!!

    Reply

  2. Rachael
    Apr 09, 2010 @ 09:08:00

    Thanks for sharing Lindsey…I know it’s difficult to bare your soul, but you will find rest. Even if, in the midst of rest, you are clinging…

    Reply

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