Image by Ferran. via Flickr
Over the last few
weeks months, I’ve been slipping into a depression. With all the transitions and trials in my life, I rather expected the ever-looming dark cloud to pop up above my head & drench me in self-pity. However, I’m quite acquainted with my gloomy shadow, and can usually kick it to the curb before I get too far into the pit of despair. But, this cloud has lingered, and its shadow has darkened the goals I set for myself during this sabbatical from ministry.
I lived 15 years with a full plate…and now that that plate has been scrubbed clean and stored in a cabinet, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Overall, the transition has been refreshing. I feel little stress and NO pressures to perform perfectly. There’s no rushing around from one commitment to the next. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want…and it feels good!
However, accompanied with these new luxuries of time and freedom comes boredom and loneliness.
I’m not surrounded with the abundance of friendships that used to envelope me weekly. Phone calls & texts have stopped. Facebook messages & comments have significantly decreased. Invitations to dinners, parties, and game nights have ceased. I know I still mean something to these friends, but it’s difficult to be on the outside.
And, because I’m not invited anywhere or involved in anything, I’ve got nothing to to do. I’m bored. Except for the occasional, once-a-month weekend activity, I do nothing but come home from work, get on the computer, cook dinner, get back on the computer, watch a movie, read a little bit, and then go to bed. It was nice for a while. But now it’s tedious and making me lazy…and when people only idle about, they become overwhelmed with feelings of uselessness…which leads to depression.
I’m not excusing my depression. I’m quite aware that it’s unacceptable…and I’m working on it. I’ve opened up with Josh and a few friends (and now to the world), and am making steps to lift myself back up. I don’t expect it to be a quick process, but that’s why it’s called a process…it takes time to figure out solutions and implement them.
One of those friends who knows what I’ve been going through, sent me the following poem. It has been a huge encouragement and is exactly what I needed to hear. For so long I’ve lived a full life…but it’s time I figure out what it means to “live life to the full.”
For years I lived full.
Full speed ahead.
I found myself weary, wondering,
“Is this really how it’s supposed to be?”
And then it seemed God asked me to learn to live differently.
To focus on love.
To make time to listen to His voice.
To embrace what He’s called me to do and let all else drop away.
“Isn’t that what I’ve already been doing?” I asked.”Don’t you want me to be busy, to push myself to the limit?”It seemed the heart of heaven smiled and these grace-words drifted into my day. “Daughter, I did not come to give you a full life. I came to give you life to the full.”
“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
–by Holley Gerth