Couch thoughts

Have you ever been in that place where the couch feels like the most comfortable place in the world?  Where nothing sounds more appealing than cuddling up all day against the sofa’s arm rest surrounded by everything you need – snacks, tv remote, laptop, and magazines?  That’s how I’ve felt for the last few days.  Of course, it didn’t turn out that way; i still had to take care of everyday things like laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping, but most of my free time has me folded up on my big, blue comfy couch.

I don’t really need the rest.  All i’ve had is time to relax.  But this abundance of relaxing “down” time has resulted in boredom and an unmotivational attitude.  I hate being apathetic.  I’m not an apathetic person (except with politics, and during my Senior year, my HS choir teacher once called me apathetic towards singing – yeah, whatever).  However, I am unmotivated at the moment.

The weather tonight was perfect for cycling, but I watched a movie instead.  There’s a stack of new books by my bed that I want to read, but I’d rather do something that requires a little less concentration.  I’ve started eating unhealthy after really making an effort not to, but the cake called my name and now I feel sick to my stomach.

Yet, the one area that I hate being unmotivated the most in is with the basic Spiritual disciplines – reading and meditating on the Scriptures, praying, worshiping.  I admit that I’m not doing them like I should.  In no way am I pulling back from my Lord, but I’m in a dry spell.  I”m still passionate about following Him, but I’m struggling to open my Bible. My return back to Texas has still left me with many confusing thoughts and unanswered questions.  Even if i never fully understand this situation, It’s in his presence that I’m going to find true peace.  That’s why I KNOW i need to push through; to persevere until these things can be worked out in me even if I don’t feel like doing it.

I need to think practically, also.  To make a plan and stick to it.  When I worked outside of the home, I made sure to give myself at least 30 minutes to read the Word and pray.  Every morning, during my breakfast I would meditate on Scripture.  By the time I finished eating and reading, I still had time to pray.  Since my days started out this way, I was able to meditate on the Scriptures for the rest of my day, worshiping him through those verses or allowing Him to mold me.  Now my days start with sleeping in, checking my emails, maybe eat breakfast depending on the time,  jumping into all my chores or errands because I slept late, and then ‘relaxing’ on the sofa.  And, honestly, it doesn’t help that Josh is here…he’s a distraction (in a good way), but his presence makes it more difficult for me to go before my Lord uninhibited like I used to do.  I’m not putting the blame on him, and it’s probably a lame excuse, but it’s a factor in my mindset.

The awesome thing about God is that He’s always there.  When I finally decide to get up off the couch and start afresh, He’ll graciously draw me right back into Him.

Interesting Saturday

Hello.  My name is Lindsey and I’m an addict.

To books.

Even if I don’t ever finish reading the book, I have to buy it.

Half Price Books feeds me my drug of choice; and when they’re offering an additional 20% of the already low prices, I can’t control myself.

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After eating out and spending several hours perusing the bookshelves of above mentioned book pusher, I noticed that I my feet seemed a little off…

I was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe!

ALL FREAKING DAY!!! I feel like an idiot.

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I’m in the beginning stages of another addiction…

Online blog giveaways.  This is when bloggers offer wonderful prizes to people who will peruse their website or other business websites (usually small businesses that offer handmade goods or creative products).  All I have to do is leave a comment.  Super easy, super quick and they don’t use your information for anything, like spam marketing mailers.

One that I recently entered was on a site called Bloggy Giveaways.  I don’t have children, but I do have lots of nieces and friends with children, so I signed up anyways to win Ribbies Clippies.  To my surprise, I Won!!  Check out what I won by clicking the links above…they’re super cute!

So, even though I felt like a loser all day for wearing mismatched shoes…I now know that I really am a WINNER!

not so good workout

Wanting to keep the slenderer me, Josh and I have started cycling. On this cool morning when the sun just started to peak through the clouds, we were off to a local trail in Richardson. I’ve ridden this trail many times with my friend Liz and have never had any problems.

The ride was going smooth and I was feeling great as we came to the end of the the first half- two long descents. As I flew down the hills, crisp wind cooling off the sweat on my brow, I wasn’t thinking about the obvious – that going down the hills means that i will be going UP the hills to return to our car.

The first hill is short, but steep.  Having learned how to change gears during Wednesday night’s “Bicycle Maintenance Class”, the first climb proved fairly easy, except for the anticipated gasping-for-air moments that followed.  Before I barely had time to recover I approached the second hill, a gradual incline but much longer than the first.  It was a killer…almost literally.

When I reached the very top and came to a stop at the red light, my heart pounded so fast I thought it was going to explode.  After going through the light Josh and I got off our bikes and began walking, hoping that a slower pace would help bring my heart rate down.  Instead I became more nauseated and dizzy, feeling like I could pass out and lose my breakfast all at once.  I had to sit down. Once I sipped on my water and relaxed for about 10 minutes I started feeling good enough to continue on to the car.

Wrong.

Almost immediately upon returning to the bike saddle, the nauseating, stomach-twisting dizziness knocked me down.  This time, it returned twice as bad as before.  I had to get to a bathroom, but only residental houses surrounded us.  I made up my mind to walk to the nearest house, a nice brick home with a “He is Risen” cross stuck in the front yard.  Surely, they would help a dying woman.

As I walked up their front walkway, everything went blurry and started spinning.  All balance and focus disappeared and I fell to the dewy wet grass.  The pain from my stomach and chest was intense, but with the little strength within me, I lifted up my head to call for Josh.  After checking to see if I still had a pulse, he began running from door to door.  Finally, the 6th house (way down the street) opened up and allowed me to come in their home to cool down and recoop.  By this time, I had been laying in the grass unable to make any significant movement, but I was able to pull myself up and, with the help of Josh’s arm and my bike-turned-walker, I made my way to the house.

Thankfully all turned out well.  No ambulances, no broken bones, no severe trauma.  Maybe a little dehydrated…but, I’m still alive…and will climb back on my bike very soon.

readjustment

Today marks 2 weeks back in Texas.  Two weeks that have been surprisingly easy – both emotionally and physically.

Most of the first week we shopped until we dropped, buying all the essentials that every American must have to survive – a car, cell phones, food, and clothes appropriate for 100 degree heat.  In all honesty, I had my moments of frustration during these shopping sprees.  I couldn’t help but think that we didn’t need all these things (except the food of course).  I’ve just spent four months without a car.  If i needed groceries, I walked to the market and back.  If I needed to go farther, I took the public bus.  Here everything is still within walking distance and we have public buses as well.  So why do we really need a car?  Because it’s the American way – it’s all about convenience, ease, and comfort.  The quicker travel time frees us up to do other important things, like watch our favorite TV show.  The cool air conditioned ride keeps us from dehydrating during the 10 minutes that it would take us to walk to the nearest Albertson’s.  The comfy cushioned seats protects our fat butts and legs from the painful side effects of excercise we’d receive during that same walk to buy potato chips and coke.  Not to mention we’re saving thousands of dollars….oh, wait…we’re not…

Don’t get me wrong.  I love that I can live in a place where luxaries are affordable and really do make life simpler and easier.  But, I hate the materialism.  I loathe the fact that WE FEEL WE MUST have a car or nice cell phones, or a closet full of trendy clothes.  I know that there’s an even balance to this issue.  It’s not necessarily bad to have these things if you can afford it.  Much good can come from them if you are wise and prudent with what God has given to you, and don’t covet more and more.  I just feel guilty when we don’t really need these things and could put the money towards ministry or something of eternal value.

Other than that, my emotional readjustment has been fairly smooth.   I have my days where I’m sad for my return, and I still have many questions that I struggle with.  Yet, I cling to the promise that all is going to be okay…and I know it will.

Where we are

After 20 hours of worldwide traveling (including 10 hours with non-stop screaming children and rude flight attendants), we are now in our home in Texas.  It’s a weird feeling…I did not expect to be here again for a long time, and especially not here to live.  Yet, as we all know, life changes and sometimes we go in directions that take us to unexpected places.

I haven’t blogged much about the move, because, honestly, I don’t know what to say.  There are so many things going on in my heart and in my head, and I daily have to check my heart.  I’m learning to live by God’s Scriptures; to guide my actions, thoughts, and words based on Biblical truths and not by my own emotions.  It’s a hard thing to do – to surrender my own feelings – but it’s the right thing to do.

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Over the next week or so, you will see changes to this blog.  It will move more towards a personal blog about me: life, thoughts, events, ministry, readjustments.  It will definitely get more personal into my mind.  I hope you keep reading.

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One last thank you for sticking by us through the last 2 1/2 years.  You have been there through all of our ups and downs, praying all along the way.  The kind words of encouragement have helped make those down times a bit easier and kept us energized during the up times.  God has truly blessed us with amazing friends and family…and even blessed us through people we don’t know!  Our deepest love and gratitude go out to you!

deeply heartbroken

Every day, I still read up on local news from the Dallas Morning News.  I read an article a few moments ago that has deeply broken my heart.  Click on the following link to read the article:

Dallas man accused in accused in death of 2 month old daughter

I’ve read stories like these before, and they all sadden me; but this one is different.

Erica, the mother of the baby, was one of my very first students when I was teaching.  She was what I considered a dream student – always engaged in class, always smiling, always prepared.  I even had to force her on to the next class period because she would stay behind just to talk to me.

I saw her earlier this year.  I don’t exactly know Erica’s situation, but the last time I talked with her she was pregnant and attending an alternative school.  She had gotten into some trouble, faced some hard times, and gotten pregnant.  Yet, she was still smiling, still hard-working, and still prepared to work at success for herself and her child.

I can’t imagine what this tragic event has done to her.  Please pray for Erica.

A stranger’s hospitality

Monday began a new chapter in my life here in Ukraine:  traveling alone.  Josh and I have split up our language lessons 2 days a week due to the fact that we learn at different paces.  So, Mondays I venture out solo for a few hours.  This first day Josh was sweet enough to walk me to the bus station (about a 20 minute walk).  I wasn’t nervous at all, but Josh still is quite protective of me being alone in this still-fairly new environment.

As I was sitting in my seat, waiting for the bus to leave, a small lady in front of me, maybe in her 60s, turns to ask me a question.  Not understanding her I said (In ukrainian), “I speak English.”  She kind of giggled, then said a slew of sentences.  (by the way, this happens so often and It always amuses me – I will tell someone that I don’t speak their language, and then they immediately proceed to talk to me in that language for several minutes – all I can do is stand and smile, or mimic their facial expressions).  She then stands up and comes and sits in the empty seat next to me.  For the entire 40 minute bus ride, we try to engage in conversation.  I struggle to tell her where I am from, why I am here and for how long.  Maria tells me about her nephew who is a Medical Professor in New York, shows me where her son is buried, and explains that she is going to visit her sister in Uzhgorod.  I’m not sure what was wrong with her sister, but whenever she spoke of Elena, her eyes teared up and she would just shake her head in sorrow.  From what I gathered, her sister is diabetic and is having problems with her feet.  Also, they are both pensioners, and cannot afford much.  Although I was only able to understand bits and pieces of her story, i could feel her heartache and her love.

She gives me her address in Mukachevo and motions for me to give her mine.  I don’t usually just give strangers my address, but 1.) I’m a missionary who desires to reach out and meet new people and 2.) I felt safe with her.  After we exchange addresses, she tells me to come over anytime.

When we get off the bus, she takes my arm and tells me she wants to buy me coffee.  Having arrived to town early, i say okay.  We stand and drink our coffee in silence – I feel awkward as she just stares at me and smiles.  Afterwards, we walk to the mashrootka taxi realizing that we are going to the same area.  During the entire mashrootka ride she talks about me to the women facing us.  Even though i did not understand one word, I knew she was talking about me because Maria kept gesturing towards me and the ladies kept glancing over at me.  I just smiled (and felt like a complete freak show on display).

Finally at the center of town, I plan to say my thank-yous and goodbye…but no, she is not done with me yet.  She pulls me along, through the bazaar, into the market, down an alleyway, into a courtyard, and through the front door of her sister’s house!  Oh my goodness, what have I gotten into? I am now late for my lesson, I don’t know these ladies, i don’t want to be rude, but i don’t want to end up like poor Gretel caged up in some old ladies kitchen.

The time with them turned out to be wonderful.  We all three chatted as much as we could despite our language barrier.  Most of the time they just laughed and smiled and patted my hand.  Offering me food, i accepted, remembering that you never say no to a Ukrainian’s offer of food – it’s a major offense.  No problem, I can eat a little bread and cucumber.  Instead she sits in front of me a HUGE bowl of green borscht, complete with the finest chicken parts, skin and all.  Oh my goodness, I can’t eat all this!

“Eat. Eat” they say.  So, I eat it.

I finally had to be firm (in a polite way) and say I had my lesson (which started 30 minutes ago). They walked me to the door, telling me to come to both there houses anytime.  One of them says something about God, and I, having learned the word for “heart” over the weekend, turn and say that God is in my heart, too.  They just laugh.  I walk out, wondering why they were laughing at that.  Then,  I realize why…I just told them that “God is in my puppy!”

Oh well, I’ll try again on Friday when I go for more Ukrainian Hospitality.

Have you eaten your fruit?

I was reading about putting on the fruits of the spirit like clean clothes over at Cari’s blog..and although I agree with her blog and she says great things, I had a thought.  The clothes analogy is a good one, but I thought, “well, clothes can easily be taken off”.

So then, I started thinking about fruit: what do you do with fruit?  You eat it.  You partake of it, chew  it, enjoy its flavor and swallow it where it gets inside of you and sends nutrients & vitamins to your inner parts.

Isn’t this what we are supposed to do with God’s Word and spiritual fruits?    We should daily chew on His word, meditate upon it and really take time to savor His truths.  To allow God’s spirit to be something that affects us on the inside, in our heart and mind.  The fruits of the spirit aren’t things we should try to do, they should be what we are. Just because we act kindly, doesn’t mean we are kind.  Just because we smile, doesn’t mean we are joyful.  Just because we don’t start the fight, doesn’t mean we are peaceful.

the natural outpouring of God’s spiritual fruits comes from inside of us – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control – these are not an actions, they are the characteristics of God that become our characteristics as we replace our selfish, sinful ways with his truths.

about short-term missions

The following is a response to a wonderful blog that I read often.  Arnau van Wyngaard is a missionary in Swaziland who writes about Mission Issues. A recent series was on Short-term mission trips. I started to reply on his website, but it turned into a long post.

Short term mission work is something I’ve been thinking much about lately, also.  I’m torn much of the time in my thoughts because of my involvement in missions, both as a former short-termer and now as a full-time missionary.

I began mission work at age 16, going on one week mission trips with my church every year (except one year when i went with a well-known teen mission organization to Russia for 1 1/2 months).  I would say that all of those trips were successful, but from the perspective as one on the trip: I saw people come to know Christ and others encouraged in their walk (both in the local people and those in our group).  I had an incredible leader who started preparing us at least 6 months ahead with drama, music, bible study/memorization, prayer, and team building.  He really expected much out of us.  Yet, he did allow some new believers or those ‘riding the fence’ to come along – and it changed their lives as well – many are still passionate about serving others and sharing Christ.  My eyes were open to circumstances that I never really thought about before – children digging through the dump to find food, women whose breasts were eaten away from cancer because they couldn’t get healthcare, homes built from scrap metal and wood.  Also on these trips i grew tremendously in my walk with God; learning things about Him and experiencing Him in new ways.  Truly life-changing times for me and others in my groups.

Now, as a full-time missionary living in a place where many teams come each summer, I see short-term missions in a different light.  I know they can be beneficial; but here I’m seeing something different- hesitation from many local organizations to work with the teams (mainly orphanages).  Why?  Because too many of the teams come, take lots of photos of the ‘needy, downtrodden’ locals, and promise to come back (or write, or send aide).  But, once the team leaves to go home, they are never heard from again.  Many of the children in the orphanages have come to a point where they have been abandoned over and over again – not by their parents, but by short-term missionaries who promise to keep in touch or come back, and then they never do.  Now, they start to only see missionaries as people who bring gifts – an everyday santa claus, if you will.  Then, it becomes hard for full-time missionaries living here to really connect with these children because they have lost their trust.

Or another example: in Ukraine, the public schools are open to teams coming in and doing presentations for their students.  However, many groups have brought mediocre programs.  Why would a director waste their time again for a program that is shallow and uneventful?

Don’t get me wrong, there are great results from short-term trips…I’ve known missionaries who have spent months talking with someone about Christ with no result, until a short-term team comes in and does a program.   Also, a great team can be a blessing to the missionaries who have ministry opportunities but lack the people to implement them…such as special programs, outreaches, etc.

But what makes a short-term trip successful?  Too many people would say, “well, how many people got saved?”  yes, that’s the ultimate goal-to see them come into a relationship with Christ.  But, success is also when someone begins to think more deeply about God (especially in a place where God is never thought about).  Success is when physical needs are met – whether it’s just clothing or food or when a remote village receives basic medical care from a doctor who smiles at them and treats them with the love of Christ.

I think the difference between a good short-term team and a bad one boils down to their motivations & purposes.  Is Christ really the focus of their trip?  Do they really love and care about the people they are here to serve?  Are their attitudes that of servanthood or selfishness?  Are they willing to get dirty, uncomfortable, and active?  Are they doing everything to the best of their ability?  Are they seeking to do something just to feel good about themselves or are they seeking to let God be glorified?  Do they look for ways to show God’s love or are they too consumed with the cultural differences to notice where the need is?

Hmm.. I guess those are great questions not just for short-term mission participants, but for everyone who calls himself a Christian….

my heart song for this day (week)

My heart is heavy, o Lord.
My eyes, blinded with tears.
Burdens press my shoulders,
weights drag me down.

The thick fog of uncertainty
blocks the path I should take.
Crags and Cracks along the road
falter my steps.

I am confused,
lost,
tired,
unsure.

But you are still my God,
guide,
strength,
redeemer.

I will continue to praise you
even if I can not see you.
I will continue to worship you
even if I can not hear you
I will continue to seek you
even if the storms still rage.

I know you hear me,
hold me,
love me.