In July, when Josh announced that he was ready to return to Texas for good, I knew that I was in for some emotionally hard times. I had my dream in my grasp, and then it was suddenly threatened to be taken from me.
This experience was not my first. It happened once before in 2001. After attending a missionary training school in the Czech Republic, Josh and I returned home to begin pursuing full-time mission work in Ukraine. After looking into it a bit more, Josh decided that the timing was not yet right for us to go do full-time work. I was devastated…so much so that I allowed myself to listen to Satan’s lies about worthlessness and discontentment. I didn’t have a career or a plan of what I was going to do. I became bitter and angry towards my husband for taking away my dream. I felt like a horrible person and hated myself, my marriage, and my situation in life to the point that I became suicidal.
So when Josh mentioned that he wanted to come back home to Texas this summer, after only 4 months in Ukraine, I remembered all that I had gone through 7 years before and knew there was only one thing for me to do if I was going to survive this 2nd heartbreak – run to the throne of God and allow him to carry me through this fire.
As Josh was contemplating the move, I drowned myself in scripture, worship, and prayer. From those moments with my Lord, I received 2 very distinct and profound words:
1. Proverbs 14:1 – The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her own hands. This verse has hit me harder than any other verse. Through it I came to realize that no matter what decision Josh makes (at the time, whether to stay in Ukraine or return to Texas), success will ultimately be on MY shoulders. If I want my “house” – my marriage, my relationship with God, my ministry – to stay strong and thriving, then it is completely, 100% my responsibility to see that it stays strong. It is MY actions, MY words, and MY attitudes that will determine the outcome of any situation. As the head of the household, Josh is to make the decisions that he sees best. But it is my response to his decisions that make or break my “house”.
I really had two reactions to Josh’s decision to come home: fight it with all my might to stay in Ukraine, or submit to his decision and return quietly. Which one would build my house and which would tear it down? I chose to quietly follow.
2. No matter what I pray concerning the entire exodus back to Texas, I hear one phrase over and over again, “It’s going to be okay.”
And it has.