Looking back through my posts, I noticed a recurring theme: depression. I will not deny that I struggle with depression; I have fought this sometimes debilitating disease since I was a young teenager. However, depression is NOT a constant, every day battle. It just so happens that when I do have a downer day, I tend to release my emotions through writing…and you, my precious friends, get to hear some of my moaning.
So, I want to share some of my thoughts during the good days of my life:
1. Returning from Ukraine. (Which I wrote about HERE). I KNOW there’s a purpose in our returning. I KNOW there was a purpose in our going. And although I have my moments of shame, confusion, and hurt, overall I am happy and content with the decision to return. My hubby felt it was the right decision, and I, in obedience to God’s calling on my life as a wife, am happy that I agreed to follow Josh’s leading. By doing so, I strengthened our marriage, uplifted my husband, and honored God.
I am EXTREMELY proud of us for even stepping out into full-time mission work. Many people think about what it would be like to pursue a passion, but they never do anything about it. WE DID! We sold our house & everything in it. We gave up good, steady careers, and left all our friends and family. We relied solely on God’s provision and trusted Him to be our strength as we adapted to a completely different culture. We grew in faith and discovered God in ways that we had never experienced Him before.
Our time there was not in vain. Even in such a short amount of time, we were able to minister to the Ukrainians around us & challenge them in their beliefs about God, urging them to move from empty, religious practices into a meaningful relationship with Christ. We formed life-long friendships that still bless us.
Above all, I’m so thankful that I have a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to help his wife pursue the passions and visions she has dreamed of for so many years. I don’t know what the future holds concerning full-time mission work…I really don’t think it will happen again…but I know that we’ll at least be willing to step out in faith to pursue whatever God lays on our hearts.
2. Infertility. The truth is…I’ve never wanted children until a few years ago…and I only began to want them because I saw the deep desire in Josh to have children. He’s experienced all the joys of fatherhood once before and has always desired to experience that again, but with me! Our many childless years resulted mainly from my hesitations. The last year or so has been difficult b/c I know Josh’s heart…and his grief causes me grief. More than anything, I want my husband to have the desires of his heart. Most days I’m 100% okay with not having children.
You see, my identity, purpose, and validation is not determined by motherhood; it’s found in God and His purpose for me. What if it’s His will that Josh and I should never have children? If that’s His will, then that’s what I want. If He should decide to give us children, then I’m ready for that as well. All I desire is to live a life completely surrendered to my Heavenly Father…putting my future into His hands…because I know that His plans for my life are much greater than anything I could dream of.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11